With my children, I am emulating a policy used in my own family growing up. It was about never keeping secrets. I grew up in a home where we talked about everything, all the time. After growing up and having my own children, I’ve realized why.
Secrets are Trouble
For
the most part secrets are trouble and create problems where there may not have been any. It’s like building a
porch without support beams. It may hold for a while, but eventually, something
is bound to break. Secrets lead to lying, which leads to doing things behind
parent’s backs, and hiding those actions. If they can hide small things from
us, surely they have the capacity to hide bigger and bigger things, until
finally they are teenagers and we have no idea who they are, what their
opinions are and they are drifting farther and farther away from us.
Talk About Everything Together
We
are actively teaching them to talk and to be continuously open with us. We are
starting young with ours by always talking about everything with them. My
childhood family did it most around the dinner table, talking about our day,
sharing what happened, what we like, didn’t like and what we were thinking
about. We were never quick to leap from
the table because of our conversations.
The
best way to know what is going on in your child’s head and heart is to talk
about it. If something happens, ask them what they thought about it. If someone
hurts their feelings, talk about it. If they won a race or an award, talk about
it. Talk about what is real, what is right now, about their life and their
cares, good and bad. Everything. Talk while doing chores, while painting fingernails, while sitting on the porch, while driving to town, all through the day. Keep those communication lines open. Always. Regardless if it feels weird at first.
Live by Example
Openness
and honesty may come at a price. You may have to sacrifice some of your own
innermost thoughts to show your children how it is done. Children are mirrors.
They will mimic us, whether we want them to or not. If I’m sassy, they will be
sassy (no matter how many times I tell them not to.) If I say “crap” they say
it too. I’m sure you have your own lovely examples of your children mirroring
you too.
It
may be risky to some, especially if you’re not practiced in it. Share your
innermost thoughts and feelings with your children. They always know when you
are upset. Tell them why. Let them love on you when you are down. Let them feel
trusted with your information. (With the exception of extremely adult
information, of course.)
In
2012, I was in physical pain from March to December. I would periodically slip
into depression. I wanted to hide how I felt from them. I wanted to pretend to
be strong so they didn’t feel like their world was falling apart. But I
homeschool. They are with me 24/7. They knew when I was in pain anyway. So I
was honest about it. I told them when I was hurting really bad. I told them
when I was sad because I was hurting. And you know what they did? They didn’t
leave me to wallow. My son gave me more hugs. My daughters kissed my boo-boo.
They all prayed for me whenever they saw me in pain. I trusted them with my pain
and as a result we grew closer.
Keeping
a pattern of openness and honesty in the family creates a safe place for
children to be themselves, not have to hide and to always feel accepted. We can be
the example of openness and honesty, so they can emulate it.
Never Lie
It
is kind of obvious to say “Never lie” especially after saying “Be open and
honest” but somehow children figure out how to lie. They start lying around age
3 to 5. (The smarter ones learn it earlier, I think.)
I
remember getting a punishment for lying in addition to the punishment for the actual crime. So
with my own kids it is the same. Because it could be something little they are
lying about when they are 10 years-old. For example, “You broke the vase but
hid it under the end table and you said your sister did it?”
When
they are teenagers it could end up being something bigger like, “You told me
you were the one driving when you wrecked the car and it was actually your
friend, who is not covered on our car insurance.”
Trouble.
But
in the same way, you may have seen the look on your young child’s face when the
great debate is occurring. To lie or not to lie. Interestingly, there are
certain personalities who are prone to lie, they would choose lying over
conflict or to save face. I have to encourage mine choose the right way every time
so that lying doesn’t become a pattern in their life.
I
am proud of my children when they choose to be truthful, especially when what
they are admitting will get them into trouble. So, in an effort to promote
honesty we sometimes reward them for it. (When the moment is right.) We must
first deal with whatever trouble they’ve made and give out a punishment to fit
the crime. I have taken a child out for ice cream for being honest with me.
While we licked our ice cream cones, I talked to her about telling the truth
and how important it was and thanked her for being forthright, to reinforce it.
We fist-bumped and talked about whatever else was on her mind.
Openness
is an endurance sport. Keep up the good work. It will surely pay off with
open, honest and healthy adults… just like all my siblings. (Good job mom and dad!)
